The events surrounding health that began in late 2019, like any crisis, was a spiritual test. I'm not a scientist or doctor. I don't speak about those aspects of it. I am a human on a spiritual journey.

The mass campaign blasted over every channel of communication whipped up a frenzy of constant fear. Literally, to face or cause possible death at every turn from something that no one seemed to have any control over. Even the signs over the freeway in Oregon, which normally tell you the weather or traffic conditions, were blaring, "Wear a mask so you don't accidentally murder someone."

To me, the test was not in how well you obeyed every directive from wearing a mask in the forest to getting never ending injections. That showed your "gold star" standard to being unquestionably obedient to external authority. You were probably a really good student in school, too. Good for you!

The real test for me was in how you treated other people. You know, those of us who needed to breathe the air in the forest to build up our immune systems. Or sit quietly in the sunshine far away from everyone yet still got yelled out and publicly shamed?

Not everyone could get those injections for legitimate reasons. I wonder if those who were so judgemental ever bothered to ask why?

To me, the most important questions to ask is this; whatever you chose to do or not do in this crisis, did you treat people with compassion? Did you learn something about what's most important to you?

Certainly, there were many people that did pass away. I'm sorry for anyone who lost a loved one during this time. No one was unaffected by this crisis.

I got Covid twice. Both times from the same person under the same conditions. In January of 2020, I was still recovering from a serious tooth infection which required me to take antibiotics for an extended period of time. My immune system was compromised. I became very ill. I prayed hard and drew heavily on my spiritual beliefs to get me through it. I recovered after a few weeks.

The next time I got it in 2022, it was from the same person. I made the mistake of going to a big concert while I was still recovering from another serious tooth infection that had gone on for months. It wasn't because I had the injection or not. It was because I had been on battling infection. I got very sick. I kick myself now because I had some remedies that could've helped me. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time.

Again, I recovered. I needed to dig deeper though. Why was I getting tooth infections in the first place? That was the real "root" of the problem that made me vulnerable to Covid. It had to do with how I was ACTUALLY feeling emotionally in my personal life. My partnership was inauthentic in important  ways. Neither a spiritual union nor a traditional marriage. I was in limbo land without the legal protections and social status of marriage AND also without the spiritual fulfillment and protection that a union directed by the divine would provide. It was really the latter I desired. There had been love. Just not the proper structure to hold the sacredness of it.

I HAD to deal with the difficult emotions in order to accept that the desire for a sacred union was not going to actually happen in this connection. It was more of a superficial relationship, lacking any real emotional depth. That type of connection might be just fine for some people, but definitely not for me. I had tried and failed on numerous occasions to create a more safe structure for myself. I let go and opened up to changing my life in big ways. My body wasn't lying to me. Covid forced me to face the truth.

So I believe there was a spiritual test, different for each and every one of us about the choices we made and why we made those choices. It's none of my business what choices any other person made. My hope is that many of us learned to be more honest with ourselves so we could enjoy a sense of peace about those choices years later if we were one of the fortunate ones to make it through the crisis.

I do live a much more emotionally honest life today with authentic connections. My teeth are healthy again. Overall, I'm healthier than I have been in many years. I  have the Covid crisis to thank for getting me on the right path.

In the lower expression of this "My way or the highway" statement, it's an ego declaration. “You better do as I say or else.” The punishing consequences are not usually based in love, but rather for the sake of control and hierarchy. It's different from tough love where you set necessary boundaries that do not cause harm to another, but rather encourage their growth and maturity.

The same energy used to “break a horse” so it's no longer spirited. It learns to fear you rather than works with you as your partner through connection and bonding.

I’ve experienced this threat my entire life through intimate partnerships, bad bosses, toxic friends, employers, families and on and on it goes. I’m certain everyone has to varying degrees unless they’ve been hiding in a cave living with wolves.

It was meant to break my spirit. Rather than doing that, it made me a spiritual badass. To be spiritual strong, we are forged through the fires and pressures of crisis. To prove our true strength to ourselves, rather that to anyone else, we must be tested.

In the way I lived this statement throughout my life, The High Way is the way I chose because it meant the way of The Most High as expressed through my Higher Self.

When we are challenged and threatened by those around us to do it their way or else, we have a choice. At first it is overt and to our faces. When we don’t comply to the cult of one or many, it becomes covert through the withdrawal of conditional love and support, the smearing of our reputations and planting seeds of doubt about our character. The environment becomes hostile to us. This has been my experience over and over again. Yet I also chose the High Way over and over again. They showed me who they really were. They didn't have my best interest at heart. I didn’t need to argue with them.

We do not change life for the better by going with the flow because it’s temporarily comfortable even though we know it’s not sustainable, balanced or healthy. Doing so means we are giving our power and permission to allow the current timeline we are living to play out uninterrupted.

Real change comes from the positive disruption. To insert love and spirit into an emotionally dead or toxic situation. In extreme conditions it means taking extreme measures. When people, places and situations try to hang onto us so that we stay stagnant, it’s not personal. It’s energy. When just one energy changes in any situation, it disrupts and changes the entire timeline. Just one person can do that.

In 2020 when my city of Portland devolved into chaos, destruction, criminality, extreme Covid measures, Marxism and so much more, I had a choice. Again, I chose to go the High Way in accordance with my Higher Self.

Personally I paid a high price. I lost my partner, homes, money, family, friends, and for the short term, my peace of mind. I had to go on faith. I took huge risks and chances because I couldn’t sit back, cower in fear and do nothing.

The hardest part was when I was not allowed anywhere near the young people in the cult-like family I was around at the time because I was an advocate for adults to make their own decision about the injections. I was literally ostracized, scapegoated, lied about behind my back and every other cruel technique cult-like groups use to force everyone to be the same, to do the same without any regard for free will or individual expression. This part of the nightmare experience broke my heart so badly, I honestly don't know how I recovered except by the Grace of God.

I used my voice publicly in ways aligned with my values without yelling at anyone or arguing with them. Occasionally, I did need to stand my ground when some crazy person was yelling at me for no valid reason.

At first, I blatantly registered as a Republican in my condo building near downtown Portland, which was in and of itself a radical act. At the time being known as a Republican could get you beat up or killed walking down certain streets. I wasn't in agreement with everything that meant, but because I was using my energy to attempt to bring balance into a extremely unbalanced environment. I wasn’t on the “side” of one extreme or the other. I was on the “side” of balance like the vast majority of people.

I wrote to every politician asking for reasonable policies. I withdrew financial support from any and all organizations I felt were not (or no longer) charities, but rather political fronts.

I challenged the condo policies that were failing to warn the residents about the often violent and fiery rioting taking place on our street. Now, keep in mind that at least one actual member of the rioting group were working at the front desk of my building. (You know, that group that everyone said didn't even exist?)

I kept my head high while I walked the halls and entrances of that building. People yelled at me often because I was standing confidently in my inner power, holding an inner strength earned by dealing with and overcoming many challenges, and a resolve that people can feel regardless of what I am saying, doing or NOT saying.

The chaos and mayhem went on for MONTHS and even YEARS. (Kudos to the people of Portland for the positive changes that have been made since this nightmare period. Many people have worked tirelessly to help restore their city. It's wonderful to see.)

I posted on social media what my beliefs were based on what I was actually experiencing and seeing with my own eyes. I stood strong in them. I found out who my true friends were. Regardless of any experience they had with me personally, many saw me as their enemy or just plain stupid. I am neither.

In 2021 after an entire year of this craziness made worse by the insanity of the Covid mandates doing everything possible to force compliance with certain injections (Our Way or the High Way!) Again, I chose The High Way by making the hard decision to leave Portland, Oregon. A place I had loved and enjoyed from 2002 through 2019. I cherish those wonderful memories and how much my life was enhanced by the natural beauty and a thriving culture. I decided to sell my condo at a loss and move on. I was in my 60’s. This was not the place I wanted to invest my time, energy and resources at this age and stage of my life. I didn't feel there was any real love left for me there.

I went stealth on social media throughout 2022 and most of 2023 while I put time, energy and resources into creating my new life in a new state for myself and my senior dog. It took every ounce of my resources financially and internally to do it no matter what was said to me or about me by the fake and cold people I was still surrounded by. I am a highly intuitive Empath. So I know what people are saying about me behind my back even while disingenuously smiling to my face.

I trusted the High Way. Going with my Higher Self even though it was difficult and frightening.

Why so much resistance to me, just one woman in her 60’s?

This is why: Because the disruptors are changing the narrative and timeline just by way of being in a different energy. Like that dang pebble in your shoe, it’s an irritant. “If I can just get rid of that pebble, everything will be fine.” Except when you actually take your shoe off, you discover the pebble was actually an insect biting you! It was meant to get your attention.

The disruptors are telling you there is a deeper problem. Something to look into, to dig into limiting stories, beliefs and outright lies.

When these type of disruptors, who are good people, exit an environment, it sends a clear message that there is something seriously wrong happening even when you’re still not ready to see it or accept it.

This difficult phase of my life created a new version of me. I am not the same person I used to be. How could I be?

I’m not going to create some fake happily ever after ending to this story. I have learned to keep the blessings, joys and triumphs I experience in my new life private and personal, shared only with a limited number of people I trust. This is the best way to protect my happiness.

Was it worth the personal cost I paid and the temporary hits I took to my good reputation?

Yes it was. It was worth more to me than I can possible quantify for reasons that are authentic and deeply sacred to my own soul.

There used to be a song made popular on the Dr. Demento show back in the 1970's called, "Do you like boob's a lot." We laughed and giggled because back then, when we were young teenagers, it was "edgy," especially because it was being broadcast over the radio.

Thinking about this song today, it actually helps me uncover something buried deep in the recesses of "my shadow." Our shadows contain all types of things we disowned about ourselves. Often, these things have nothing to do with anything we did wrong or were "bad." Just negative experiences.

Yes, for me it has to do with my boobs. God blessed me with great boobs and a skinny waist to go along with them. I have since I was about 13 or 14? I don't remember the exact age. I just remember the negative experiences that came about as a result of growing a great rack. I was treated very differently, yet I still was a child who didn't understand why people were acting so strangely around me.

When the boy next door asked me to go steady, I said I needed to think about it. So I ran home to ask my mother for advice. She said, "Oh, he just likes you for your boobs. So just don't say anything." So I took her advice. Thus began my self concept that boys, then men only like me for my boobs.

Over time, I developed poor posture because I was trying to hide them. Thus sending out a signal that I had poor self esteem so indeed, I attracted many who were attracted to me for the wrong reasons.

This story was perpetuated throughout my youth. My first sexual experience was with a man who told his friends, "She has the best boobs in Newport Beach." Again, the belief getting stronger that the only valuable thing about me were my boobs. I could go on and on about the most disgusting predatory behaviors by teachers, coaches and even family members related to being a young innocent girl with nice boobs.

I grew into a young woman who often hid her boobs from view by wearing certain clothing and slumping her shoulders.

To this day, I am now in my 60's and it was recently said to me again by a family member, that the only reason someone was interested in me was because, "I was working those boobs." These long held stories about us can continue to lurk in the shadows of our lives. It takes real effort to change the story inside my own lives. It starts with ignoring the stupid comments that are truly a reflection of what THAT other person would do. For me to uphold the new story that people genuinely like me for ME is my responsibility.

One day when I was a teenager I was sitting on the beach near our home in Newport Beach. My late older sister came over to sit with me. Her boyfriend spotted her and approached us. I was introduced to him. Feeling uncomfortable, I excused myself so I could walk home shortly after he approached. When she came home, she stormed into our shared room and said, "You were shoving those boobs of yours in his face. That's why he asked me why don't you have nice boobs like your sister?" Obviously she was hurt by this jerk. She chose to blame me for his terrible behavior. These are the negative experiences that turn into narratives built up over time.

The point is not to cry and whine about how awful people can behave because we all know every single human behaves badly from time to time (some far more than others). No, the point is to uncover the stories and experiences that became false beliefs that continue to lurk in our subconscious that literally ruin our chances for true happiness.

This buried belief became something I was deeply ashamed about. My boobs, which actually represent my femininity. I was somehow bad or causing people to behave this way. What do I do about it? Overcompensate. Accomplish things in life. Work hard. Develop myself. Suppress my femininity.

It's crazy that the blessing of beautiful breasts could end up being something so painful. The real truth about me is that ALL I ever really wanted was to live a feminine life. You know what? That is the life I live now. I faced the pain, the false beliefs and my own distorted self concepts. I energetically told anyone who tried to pull me back into this false story to "F" off. I've worked hard to improve my posture, to wear whatever I want without shame about my body parts. I am well aware now of my own value and worth, which is my best protection from being used by others.

The people in my life now care about me for me, not to "get something" from me for themselves. This is the sweet result of doing "shadow work."

.I’ve hidden my “Neurodivergence” in the dark recesses of the shame story of, “Something is terribly wrong with me” for most of my life. Raised by parents who were shaped during The Depression, war and survival eras, the greatest goal of anyone was to be conformist, like everyone else except maybe a bit better. People with money and the highly educated were seen as almost god like because their paths were out of reach for the majority of people. That was then.

My path has often been one of painful masking and contortion. No matter how hard I tried, I failed miserably at being like everyone else except for brief periods of time I couldn’t sustain for very long.

The wound is where the light enters you. -Rumi

I always ended up burning out or pissing someone off for something I said or something special I requested that was seen negatively. I can be both bluntly honest and hyper sensitive because my brain works differently from most. Often I stayed quiet, focused and to myself because it keeps me out of harm’s way.

At times I found myself blurting out a secret about someone that they found deeply offensive because they had told no one so how did I know. Honestly, I did not know how I knew. By the time I apologized for my mistake, the person was so far gone in their discomfort toward me, they simply vanished. The rare few though, found it endearing.

I can see patterns of all kinds and know peoples’ secrets and hidden agendas intuitively. These are gifts that didn’t seem like gifts for most of my life. I admit, I’d be uncomfortable around me, too!

My strategy then became one of trying really REALLY hard to be liked. I worked extra hard at jobs so my results would ensure a certain standing. I had to do whatever it took so that no one would figure out that there is something terribly wrong with me. I leaned into friends and family to become that indispensable person in their lives so I wouldn’t be rejected. I often overlooked negative treatment of me because I so desperately wanted to be included, it didn’t matter. I mean, why would anyone treat a person with respect who acts desperate!?!

I literally didn’t know how to be in this world as me. So I felt like an utter failure despite my best efforts.
To shift from the belief of, “There is something terribly wrong with me” to, “There is something different about me” was a long road. Then to leap into, “There is something special about me” took more time and a heck of a lot of courage.

The Gift Of The Wound
Most every spiritual tradition has a version of, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Depending on your belief system and what you consider to be your guiding light, there is an inherent human experience regarding the idea that what seeks to destroy us, can save us. Life is a journey, different for each of us, so that one thing that can destroy you is not exactly the same as mine or anyone else’s.

The one thing we give to others naturally or want to take from others can be the very thing we actually want to receive from others. Ultimately we all want to be loved unconditionally from the people around us. We don’t live in a perfect world so this desire can go unmet.
So what can we do? We can understand what it is we are giving to others naturally when we are in our light. How are people receiving us? I know from my experience, when I’m not saying or doing offensive things from my shadow side, they like the way they feel around me. They feel seen and understood. They can feel inspired. They want more.

Unless I felt so desperate to be seen and appreciated by others for who I am and acting from that wounded place, I would’ve never understood the incredible gift that arose from it. I became brilliant at seeing the potential of a person, situation, product, service and so forth. I could spot positive patterns in them, their lives and help inspire them to go for that potential. What I wasn’t so brilliant at seeing though was the darkness and shadow side because I wanted everyone to “like” me.

Not until I went through a serious dark night of the soul to integrate my own shadow, was I able to see the shadow in another so our connection could be balanced with healthy boundaries. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for another person is to surrender the connection to God and trust that what is for you will always return. This is not an easy thing to do.

My gift is my wound and my wound is my gift. Your gift is your wound. Your wound is your gift.
We live in a time where we are undergoing many shifts and changes as a collective. It’s actually a service to take responsibility for our wounds or shadow sides instead of projecting them onto others or expecting other people to meet our deep unmet needs. It has that ripple effect. We lead by the example we set through our own choices and behaviors.

When we change, we receive resistance from our environments and the people around us. It scares them because they don’t know how it will impact them. That’s normal. True leadership though is to be bold and do it anyway. Eventually people will notice the positive changes and adopt some of them for themselves.

That’s really how we create sustained and positive change. One evolving soul at a time until it becomes the new normal. Sure, we can opt to burn down cities and towns to force our will on others or else, but I think this way is the better way to go.

Narcissism seems to be a popular topic these days to throw around. Narcissism is a spectrum of behaviors with only a small percentage of people actually suffering from a serious disorder. What is really going on here though? There are many psychologists available on platforms that can assist in understanding narcissistic behaviors and healing from the abuse within intimate partnerships, friendships, families, and larger groups of humans.

To me, it is a spiritual disease. Much like alcoholism and other forms of addiction, at the root of it is trauma. It’s an “outside in” approach to life due to the disconnection from the essence or soul of an individual. The split off becomes so severe, the human forms their identity around their false ego. The shame is so deep and buried, the fear of an individual will do anything to remain in a power position to stay in control.

They often want to be seen as good and even superior to everyone else. They do not act from real love because they do not love themselves. In fact, these individuals are actually lost in fear and emotional immaturity. As much as they compete for attention and jockey for position, the sad truth is that without attention, status or things they use to create their identity, they can often feel empty inside.
This expression of a human distortion is just one of many. On the other side of the spectrum is the Empath. Yep, that’s me. Also, a spiritual disease created from trauma. The co-dependent to the alcoholic. It also creates a distortion around dependence, but not so much on things or status, but on people for survival. The Empath is usually the one who is the scapegoat in dysfunctional systems because they are seen as vulnerable and dependent. So the chaos and unhappiness is projected on this one person to carry it for the entire group. The scapegoat is the truth teller because they speak up when blamed for things they have not done.

These are learned strategies carried down for generations of humans. At the root is fear, scarcity, survival and trauma. A disconnection from our own divinity and higher heart power. The greatest blessing of being a human is our ability to feel genuine love, use our imaginations and create. We are all blessed by God in our true abilities.

Yet when we get stuck in trauma, we get disconnected from the very things that make us human.
Here’s the good news though. We are a human family who at the moment, I believe, is undergoing a gigantic awakening to remember who we are. In many respects, it is a great humbling because in order to get to the good stuff, the love and creativity expressed freely, we must walk through the shadow lands of our collective distortions. A big giant dark night of our dysfunctional family.
Every individual human is in a different place on this journey. Some are way ahead of the pack so that they can assist others. Some are acting out in terrible ways so they can teach others about boundaries, tough love and forgiveness. Some are digging in their heels into the old ways so that we all don’t race ahead too quickly.

It’s all part of the divine plan. It’s messy. It’s scary. It’s ugly. Triggering for everyone. There is loss of life. There is suffering.
There are also highly evolved new humans born every day.
The human collective has included individuals doing despicable things for eons of time. Yet it also includes an individual as divine as Jesus Christ, who was in human form showing us the best of the best so we could follow him and his example.

If I was taking the easy path, I’d write about things that are fun, light and feel good. That’s not what is in the highest good for myself and others though. Nope, it’s all about uncomfortable truths so we can all do and be better for the next generations of humans. I did not take the long slog of a soul path for growth, maturity and purpose just so I could waste the wisdom on trivial ego pursuits.

I consider myself an expert scapegoat. Ultimately the scapegoat wants to make the system better and more functional.

What role are you playing in this collective human awakening? I also like to call it the great human humbling because when we see the truth of ourselves and the distortions we have carried within our families and systems overall, it is a humbling experience, indeed.

How does love operate? Encourages the entire spectrum of feelings, to include so called negative ones (both joy and grief, etc). It’s transparent, open, empowering, and wants to solve problems. It supports wholeness, healing, inspired action, life and growth. It's both dark and light like day and night. It wants freedom and creativity for all!

Toxic energy operates in the shadows of our human collective and can lurk within our own minds. When given too much power over others, it uses Narcissistic abuse to get its way. It can manifest as a mental disorder in individuals, family systems and groups of any kind and of any size. (From personal experience and study.)

1. Pretends to be good. Very charming. Feeds on the good nature of others. No real connection to feelings or soul.
2. Overly interested in power, money and how they look to others. False ego. Parasitical.
3. Controls the story and interpretation of reality.
4. Gaslights anyone who questions #3.
5.Manipulates based on fear and shame. Create drama and distractions. Triggers survival anxiety.
6. If you publicly distance or disagree with the narcissist (toxic energy) you are cast out, ridiculed and a smear (in varying degrees of extreme depending on what’s at stake) campaign is created to discredit you in order to attempt to stay in complete control.
7. Projects their own terrible behaviors onto others.
8. Creates chaos and confusion so that you can’t figure out what is happening.
9. Keeps changing the story to keep you out of balance. Dominating.
10. It’s sneaky and tricky in the shadows.

When we are subjected to this toxic abusive energy for too long we become disconnected from our own truth and reality. (Stockholm Syndrome) Our self-esteem is greatly diminished.

This is just a reminder so that you remember to navigate forward in your life using your own inner wisdom as your guide.
❤️ With Love,
Jody

For most of my life I hid what was most unique about me because I seriously thought there was something very wrong with me. When I shared things I knew that were beyond my age or life experience as a young child usually with my mom or other members of my family, they always wanted to know "How" I knew it. This is such an old story I can't even remember specific examples. Well, I could never explain how stuff just popped into my head which often made people really angry, particularly my mom who argued with me again and again about how someone must have told me or I read it somewhere (Really mom, I couldn't even read yet.) After many negative and often humiliating encounters, I learned to keep my mouth shut and pretend I was just like everyone else. For decades.

Weirdly though, most people could see through my little act. I'd get teased at work about being one of those people who meditate or don't watch television. People were always asking me about what I wrote in my journal every day.

Eventually I learned to live a double life of sorts. I had friends that were full on woo-woo, artists or free spirited. I also had friends that were high achieving, well educated and successful in the material world. I could hang in both worlds very easily because I was both. Still am. That I think is the whole point. My dream was to balance and integrate the polarization of these inner and outer worlds. I wanted inner peace and spiritual fulfillment AND outer success in the form of a materially and abundant life.

And so I created AnuBel. A magical flying goat who says true peace, fulfillment and prosperity is born out of the balance of opposites. Logic and free flowing, dark and light, masculine and feminine, scientific fact and intuition, doing and being, serious and fun, ebb and flow, old and new, vision and action, thinking and feeling, and on and on it can go.

That's how we get to the really juicy stuff in life. We hold opposing views in our minds. From that we start to see new ways to connect ideas that never seemed related before. That's real creativity and when the real magic begins.