There used to be a song made popular on the Dr. Demento show back in the 1970's called, "Do you like boob's a lot." We laughed and giggled because back then, when we were young teenagers, it was "edgy," especially because it was being broadcast over the radio.

Thinking about this song today, it actually helps me uncover something buried deep in the recesses of "my shadow." Our shadows contain all types of things we disowned about ourselves. Often, these things have nothing to do with anything we did wrong or were "bad." Just negative experiences.

Yes, for me it has to do with my boobs. God blessed me with great boobs and a skinny waist to go along with them. I have since I was about 13 or 14? I don't remember the exact age. I just remember the negative experiences that came about as a result of growing a great rack. I was treated very differently, yet I still was a child who didn't understand why people were acting so strangely around me.

When the boy next door asked me to go steady, I said I needed to think about it. So I ran home to ask my mother for advice. She said, "Oh, he just likes you for your boobs. So just don't say anything." So I took her advice. Thus began my self concept that boys, then men only like me for my boobs.

Over time, I developed poor posture because I was trying to hide them. Thus sending out a signal that I had poor self esteem so indeed, I attracted many who were attracted to me for the wrong reasons.

This story was perpetuated throughout my youth. My first sexual experience was with a man who told his friends, "She has the best boobs in Newport Beach." Again, the belief getting stronger that the only valuable thing about me were my boobs. I could go on and on about the most disgusting predatory behaviors by teachers, coaches and even family members related to being a young innocent girl with nice boobs.

I grew into a young woman who often hid her boobs from view by wearing certain clothing and slumping her shoulders.

To this day, I am now in my 60's and it was recently said to me again by a family member, that the only reason someone was interested in me was because, "I was working those boobs." These long held stories about us can continue to lurk in the shadows of our lives. It takes real effort to change the story inside my own lives. It starts with ignoring the stupid comments that are truly a reflection of what THAT other person would do. For me to uphold the new story that people genuinely like me for ME is my responsibility.

One day when I was a teenager I was sitting on the beach near our home in Newport Beach. My late older sister came over to sit with me. Her boyfriend spotted her and approached us. I was introduced to him. Feeling uncomfortable, I excused myself so I could walk home shortly after he approached. When she came home, she stormed into our shared room and said, "You were shoving those boobs of yours in his face. That's why he asked me why don't you have nice boobs like your sister?" Obviously she was hurt by this jerk. She chose to blame me for his terrible behavior. These are the negative experiences that turn into narratives built up over time.

The point is not to cry and whine about how awful people can behave because we all know every single human behaves badly from time to time (some far more than others). No, the point is to uncover the stories and experiences that became false beliefs that continue to lurk in our subconscious that literally ruin our chances for true happiness.

This buried belief became something I was deeply ashamed about. My boobs, which actually represent my femininity. I was somehow bad or causing people to behave this way. What do I do about it? Overcompensate. Accomplish things in life. Work hard. Develop myself. Suppress my femininity.

It's crazy that the blessing of beautiful breasts could end up being something so painful. The real truth about me is that ALL I ever really wanted was to live a feminine life. You know what? That is the life I live now. I faced the pain, the false beliefs and my own distorted self concepts. I energetically told anyone who tried to pull me back into this false story to "F" off. I've worked hard to improve my posture, to wear whatever I want without shame about my body parts. I am well aware now of my own value and worth, which is my best protection from being used by others.

The people in my life now care about me for me, not to "get something" from me for themselves. This is the sweet result of doing "shadow work."

.I’ve hidden my “Neurodivergence” in the dark recesses of the shame story of, “Something is terribly wrong with me” for most of my life. Raised by parents who were shaped during The Depression, war and survival eras, the greatest goal of anyone was to be conformist, like everyone else except maybe a bit better. People with money and the highly educated were seen as almost god like because their paths were out of reach for the majority of people. That was then.

My path has often been one of painful masking and contortion. No matter how hard I tried, I failed miserably at being like everyone else except for brief periods of time I couldn’t sustain for very long.

The wound is where the light enters you. -Rumi

I always ended up burning out or pissing someone off for something I said or something special I requested that was seen negatively. I can be both bluntly honest and hyper sensitive because my brain works differently from most. Often I stayed quiet, focused and to myself because it keeps me out of harm’s way.

At times I found myself blurting out a secret about someone that they found deeply offensive because they had told no one so how did I know. Honestly, I did not know how I knew. By the time I apologized for my mistake, the person was so far gone in their discomfort toward me, they simply vanished. The rare few though, found it endearing.

I can see patterns of all kinds and know peoples’ secrets and hidden agendas intuitively. These are gifts that didn’t seem like gifts for most of my life. I admit, I’d be uncomfortable around me, too!

My strategy then became one of trying really REALLY hard to be liked. I worked extra hard at jobs so my results would ensure a certain standing. I had to do whatever it took so that no one would figure out that there is something terribly wrong with me. I leaned into friends and family to become that indispensable person in their lives so I wouldn’t be rejected. I often overlooked negative treatment of me because I so desperately wanted to be included, it didn’t matter. I mean, why would anyone treat a person with respect who acts desperate!?!

I literally didn’t know how to be in this world as me. So I felt like an utter failure despite my best efforts.
To shift from the belief of, “There is something terribly wrong with me” to, “There is something different about me” was a long road. Then to leap into, “There is something special about me” took more time and a heck of a lot of courage.

The Gift Of The Wound
Most every spiritual tradition has a version of, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Depending on your belief system and what you consider to be your guiding light, there is an inherent human experience regarding the idea that what seeks to destroy us, can save us. Life is a journey, different for each of us, so that one thing that can destroy you is not exactly the same as mine or anyone else’s.

The one thing we give to others naturally or want to take from others can be the very thing we actually want to receive from others. Ultimately we all want to be loved unconditionally from the people around us. We don’t live in a perfect world so this desire can go unmet.
So what can we do? We can understand what it is we are giving to others naturally when we are in our light. How are people receiving us? I know from my experience, when I’m not saying or doing offensive things from my shadow side, they like the way they feel around me. They feel seen and understood. They can feel inspired. They want more.

Unless I felt so desperate to be seen and appreciated by others for who I am and acting from that wounded place, I would’ve never understood the incredible gift that arose from it. I became brilliant at seeing the potential of a person, situation, product, service and so forth. I could spot positive patterns in them, their lives and help inspire them to go for that potential. What I wasn’t so brilliant at seeing though was the darkness and shadow side because I wanted everyone to “like” me.

Not until I went through a serious dark night of the soul to integrate my own shadow, was I able to see the shadow in another so our connection could be balanced with healthy boundaries. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for another person is to surrender the connection to God and trust that what is for you will always return. This is not an easy thing to do.

My gift is my wound and my wound is my gift. Your gift is your wound. Your wound is your gift.
We live in a time where we are undergoing many shifts and changes as a collective. It’s actually a service to take responsibility for our wounds or shadow sides instead of projecting them onto others or expecting other people to meet our deep unmet needs. It has that ripple effect. We lead by the example we set through our own choices and behaviors.

When we change, we receive resistance from our environments and the people around us. It scares them because they don’t know how it will impact them. That’s normal. True leadership though is to be bold and do it anyway. Eventually people will notice the positive changes and adopt some of them for themselves.

That’s really how we create sustained and positive change. One evolving soul at a time until it becomes the new normal. Sure, we can opt to burn down cities and towns to force our will on others or else, but I think this way is the better way to go.

Narcissism seems to be a popular topic these days to throw around. Narcissism is a spectrum of behaviors with only a small percentage of people actually suffering from a serious disorder. What is really going on here though? There are many psychologists available on platforms that can assist in understanding narcissistic behaviors and healing from the abuse within intimate partnerships, friendships, families, and larger groups of humans.

To me, it is a spiritual disease. Much like alcoholism and other forms of addiction, at the root of it is trauma. It’s an “outside in” approach to life due to the disconnection from the essence or soul of an individual. The split off becomes so severe, the human forms their identity around their false ego. The shame is so deep and buried, the fear of an individual will do anything to remain in a power position to stay in control.

They often want to be seen as good and even superior to everyone else. They do not act from real love because they do not love themselves. In fact, these individuals are actually lost in fear and emotional immaturity. As much as they compete for attention and jockey for position, the sad truth is that without attention, status or things they use to create their identity, they can often feel empty inside.
This expression of a human distortion is just one of many. On the other side of the spectrum is the Empath. Yep, that’s me. Also, a spiritual disease created from trauma. The co-dependent to the alcoholic. It also creates a distortion around dependence, but not so much on things or status, but on people for survival. The Empath is usually the one who is the scapegoat in dysfunctional systems because they are seen as vulnerable and dependent. So the chaos and unhappiness is projected on this one person to carry it for the entire group. The scapegoat is the truth teller because they speak up when blamed for things they have not done.

These are learned strategies carried down for generations of humans. At the root is fear, scarcity, survival and trauma. A disconnection from our own divinity and higher heart power. The greatest blessing of being a human is our ability to feel genuine love, use our imaginations and create. We are all blessed by God in our true abilities.

Yet when we get stuck in trauma, we get disconnected from the very things that make us human.
Here’s the good news though. We are a human family who at the moment, I believe, is undergoing a gigantic awakening to remember who we are. In many respects, it is a great humbling because in order to get to the good stuff, the love and creativity expressed freely, we must walk through the shadow lands of our collective distortions. A big giant dark night of our dysfunctional family.
Every individual human is in a different place on this journey. Some are way ahead of the pack so that they can assist others. Some are acting out in terrible ways so they can teach others about boundaries, tough love and forgiveness. Some are digging in their heels into the old ways so that we all don’t race ahead too quickly.

It’s all part of the divine plan. It’s messy. It’s scary. It’s ugly. Triggering for everyone. There is loss of life. There is suffering.
There are also highly evolved new humans born every day.
The human collective has included individuals doing despicable things for eons of time. Yet it also includes an individual as divine as Jesus Christ, who was in human form showing us the best of the best so we could follow him and his example.

If I was taking the easy path, I’d write about things that are fun, light and feel good. That’s not what is in the highest good for myself and others though. Nope, it’s all about uncomfortable truths so we can all do and be better for the next generations of humans. I did not take the long slog of a soul path for growth, maturity and purpose just so I could waste the wisdom on trivial ego pursuits.

I consider myself an expert scapegoat. Ultimately the scapegoat wants to make the system better and more functional.

What role are you playing in this collective human awakening? I also like to call it the great human humbling because when we see the truth of ourselves and the distortions we have carried within our families and systems overall, it is a humbling experience, indeed.

How does love operate? Encourages the entire spectrum of feelings, to include so called negative ones (both joy and grief, etc). It’s transparent, open, empowering, and wants to solve problems. It supports wholeness, healing, inspired action, life and growth. It's both dark and light like day and night. It wants freedom and creativity for all!

Toxic energy operates in the shadows of our human collective and can lurk within our own minds. When given too much power over others, it uses Narcissistic abuse to get its way. It can manifest as a mental disorder in individuals, family systems and groups of any kind and of any size. (From personal experience and study.)

1. Pretends to be good. Very charming. Feeds on the good nature of others. No real connection to feelings or soul.
2. Overly interested in power, money and how they look to others. False ego. Parasitical.
3. Controls the story and interpretation of reality.
4. Gaslights anyone who questions #3.
5.Manipulates based on fear and shame. Create drama and distractions. Triggers survival anxiety.
6. If you publicly distance or disagree with the narcissist (toxic energy) you are cast out, ridiculed and a smear (in varying degrees of extreme depending on what’s at stake) campaign is created to discredit you in order to attempt to stay in complete control.
7. Projects their own terrible behaviors onto others.
8. Creates chaos and confusion so that you can’t figure out what is happening.
9. Keeps changing the story to keep you out of balance. Dominating.
10. It’s sneaky and tricky in the shadows.

When we are subjected to this toxic abusive energy for too long we become disconnected from our own truth and reality. (Stockholm Syndrome) Our self-esteem is greatly diminished.

This is just a reminder so that you remember to navigate forward in your life using your own inner wisdom as your guide.
❤️ With Love,
Jody

For most of my life I hid what was most unique about me because I seriously thought there was something very wrong with me. When I shared things I knew that were beyond my age or life experience as a young child usually with my mom or other members of my family, they always wanted to know "How" I knew it. This is such an old story I can't even remember specific examples. Well, I could never explain how stuff just popped into my head which often made people really angry, particularly my mom who argued with me again and again about how someone must have told me or I read it somewhere (Really mom, I couldn't even read yet.) After many negative and often humiliating encounters, I learned to keep my mouth shut and pretend I was just like everyone else. For decades.

Weirdly though, most people could see through my little act. I'd get teased at work about being one of those people who meditate or don't watch television. People were always asking me about what I wrote in my journal every day.

Eventually I learned to live a double life of sorts. I had friends that were full on woo-woo, artists or free spirited. I also had friends that were high achieving, well educated and successful in the material world. I could hang in both worlds very easily because I was both. Still am. That I think is the whole point. My dream was to balance and integrate the polarization of these inner and outer worlds. I wanted inner peace and spiritual fulfillment AND outer success in the form of a materially and abundant life.

And so I created AnuBel. A magical flying goat who says true peace, fulfillment and prosperity is born out of the balance of opposites. Logic and free flowing, dark and light, masculine and feminine, scientific fact and intuition, doing and being, serious and fun, ebb and flow, old and new, vision and action, thinking and feeling, and on and on it can go.

That's how we get to the really juicy stuff in life. We hold opposing views in our minds. From that we start to see new ways to connect ideas that never seemed related before. That's real creativity and when the real magic begins.